So I just started back on anxiety and depression meds, the generic of Zoloft to be specific, because #theworldisashitshow…. So anyway, it has taken a bit longer to adjust this time around because a. I never take medicine and keep forgetting to take it at the same time each day and therefore am having some issues with dizziness, which it says on the bottle in giant letters is a side effect, 🙄 and b. because I have forgotten to take it a couple of days sporadically throughout the three weeks I have been on it (I know… I get it… That makes it crazy worse… But see a.)
With that said, I have been on this for three, going on four weeks and I have consistently taken the pills daily without forgetting for at least five days and I am having crazy hot flashes.
Part of me is ecstatically wondering if this has nothing to do with the meds and everything to do with early onset menopause which would make my freaking life!! But I have a feeling it’s the meds adjusting in my system… But as I lie here on the sofa in my coolly air conditioned home with sweat pouring off of me simply because I put laundry into the dryer and walked upstairs for more coffee and to begin to unload the dishwasher in a tank top and underwear, it got me thinking how amazing these hot flashes would be if they were going to lead to the end of my own personal ability to have children for good.
I HATE HATE HATE everything surrounding gynecological everything… I am done having babies (I adore the two girls that I have!) and frankly would sign up for an elective hysterectomy if I could to be completely done with everything involving fertility…
I am desperate to just have crazy unprotected sex with my husband without fear of getting pregnant again. And I mean NO CHANCE. I don’t mean to have inserted one of those sperm blocker things up inside me (ugh gag) or injected in my arm that can create even more complications hormonally and otherwise to my already mentally unsound mind or to take pills that I suck at remembering to take anyway and that stress me out already, all of which have a slight chance of NOT working and ending in me having another baby that I don’t want. I don’t mean for him to get a vasectomy which is fine, whatever, but even that isn’t 100% and I want to 100% not have the ability to have another child.
And yeah, I’m pro-choice, but I don’t think I would be able to have an abortion so I don’t want to have to worry about that either. I am nearly 40 years old and I have worried about the ramifications of sex and babies since I learned how it all works. And I’m done.
I want a responsible option and I want it to begin immediately. I want no chance of ever getting pregnant. Yeah. I may regret that and want another child some day but there are millions of children in this world who need a family and we can always go that route if need be…
And back to my anxiety and depression, I never had unprotected sex until we started trying to have kids and I got pregnant the first try. And then again the next time we tried. So I have thought deeply (because I deeply think about everything hence the anxiety and depression issues) about the fact if I had not been so cautious in my younger years, I no doubt would have had a different life entirely and one that would have been I’m sure as lovey as the one I have now. But I love the one I have now. And because of how easy it is for me to get pregnant and how deeply I NEVER AGAIN want to be pregnant or raise another child, I am constantly anxious that I will get pregnant whenever even the thought of being intimate with Mr. Sir comes up. And the most sure fire way to kill the mood is a panic attack so….
Now that I’m past the hot flash and ready to keep going with my day, I am selfishly keeping my fingers crossed that these are menopause hot flashes and not medication adjustment hot flashes and that I can be done with this life giving part of my life and get to the wild, NC17, HBO, Stars, Cinemax part…
Because… I want to be uninhibited and not in a panic every minute of my sex life… And somehow all the Zoloft in the world isn’t going to make my eggs bullet proof and allow me to relax and go with the flow. So I need the flow to go, y’all. Go far away. So I can enjoy my cougar years with the love of my life. I mean have you seen how hot Mr. Sir is? So please let these be menopause hot flashes! I’m ready to level up in this life game! 😂